i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
