shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
