I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
