forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
