I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize