My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
