i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
