This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
