Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Congratulations! We have a period
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
