about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Text me some of your sweat
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
