We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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