I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
