as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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