its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
