Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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