I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
