I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
