I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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