I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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