I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
