The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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