I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
