Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
