nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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