New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize