i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
