im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
