Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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