at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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