maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
