i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she told me i tasted like america
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
