today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
