Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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