I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
