i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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