i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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