WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
