I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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