it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
