apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
