It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
