Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
