I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
