you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
