Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
