Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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