I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Gay?
German.
Pity.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
