Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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