you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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