Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
