I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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