I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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