you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
