I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize