I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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