Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
