we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize