someone threw a dead crab at me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
