I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
