This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
