even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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