I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
