Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
