Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
