I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
