im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
