I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
