wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
