You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
