I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
